August 8, 2008
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ’Guess who?’” “But why?” asks the man. “I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
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June 2, 2008
Kids April fool joke
Little Billy make a 1 April joke.
- Mama, father hanged himself in the garage!!!
His mother rushes in and nothing… Billy comes:
- Ha, ha, ha! April fool: he hanged himself in the loft.
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May 26, 2008
A man got on a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The blonde had a puzzled look on her face and kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after she continued staring at his pockets he said to her, ‘It’s golf balls’.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, pondering what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked: ‘Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?’
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May 20, 2008
The local kids were giving Paddy a load of cheek and one of them shouts. ” Oy, Paddy, I looked through yer winder last night and saw yer old lady givin’ youse a blowjob. ” Paddy shouts back. ” The joke’s on youse smart arse, Oi wasn’t home last noight. “
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May 13, 2008
I shall seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and control you.
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you.
And you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
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May 8, 2008
Which part of a football ground is never the same from one day to the next?
The changing rooms.
Which team loves ice-cream?
Aston Vanilla.
What should a team do if the pitch is flooded?
Bring on their subs!
David Beckham recently bought a sleeping bag.
It took him weeks to wake it up.
What do you call a laughing footballer?
Ryan Giggles!
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May 7, 2008
Bob was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. Passers by pulled him from the wreck and revived him.
Bob began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the paramedics.
Later, after Bob calmed down, they asked him why he struggled so much.
Bob said, “I remembered the impact. Then… nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the ‘S’ on the ‘Shell’ sign.”
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May 6, 2008
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Ohhh God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!”
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May 5, 2008
Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get your husband from staying out late?
Wife #2: Well, every time he would come home I would simply say, ‘Mike, is that you?’
Wife #1: But I still don’t understand. How did that kept him from staying out?
Wife #2: My husband’s name is Andrew.
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May 5, 2008
A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school’s soccer team to an “away game”. They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer.
“We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it’s doing by listening for it. They’re pretty good at it too.”
“Very clever!” remarks the other patron.
Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, “Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?”
“Yes,” says the teacher, stung by the way “his” kids are being referred to, “what about it? You got something against blind kids?”
“Nothing, ordinarily,” says the guy, still scowling out the window, “but you better get them rounded up quick! They’re kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!”
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